I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my life is littered with fear.
I'm afraid to fail. To have that embarrassing moment when things don't work out the way I've dreamed and planned. To admit to those around me that what I had hoped just hadn't panned out.
Strangely, more than that, I'm afraid to succeed.
In the fifth grade, I vividly recall classmates poking fun of me because I was smart. Because I aced spelling tests, always knew my vocabulary words, and finished my math homework before the others. Something in me began to wither, even at such a young age. I didn't want to get poor grades, but I thought that maybe if I flew towards the middle of the pack, I would evade the jabs. I remember the day I intentionally made a spelling mistake on a test. I don't have to dig too deeply to find memories of choosing to ignore homework. I worked hard enough to do well, but not as well as I could, because I was afraid to succeed. Wild success sets a precedent. In my mind, it sets me up for failure. It's easier to shoot for mediocrity, always falling in the middle of the curve is safer than flying up and then disappointingly back down the scale.
BUT YOU RUSH IN WITH PERFECT LOVE
Realizing that fear is actually misplaced hope has rocked me. Shaken me to my depths. Hoping and dreaming in the details is one thing, placing my hope in idols is a whole new game. One that leads to disappointment and fear.
A line has been drawn in the sand, where fear is cast out and and there is room to say yes to love. Where I follow as He leads and don't look back. He is greater than my fears of failure. He is bigger than my fear of man. His love is deeper than my insistence on choosing idol after idol. I place them at His feet.
Fear has lost its grip on me. Maybe not completely, not yet. But He is steadfast. He's working in me to transform my fear of failure and my fear of success into a holy and submissive fear of Him.