It was Canada day, almost five years ago. I had the day off work, and was relaxing on the sofa in the rented house I was sharing with five other girls from our campus Christian fellowship group. The front porch was full of people, windows open, and the smell of our BBQ and plenty of others up and down the street was filling the living room. Instead of spending the beautiful day outside with friends, I was inside, hungrily checking facebook.
I had let bitterness grow in my heart towards a few people who I felt had wronged me, and was using facebook almost solely to creep their pages, see what they'd been up to, and assure myself that I had it better. I think it's safe to say my heart was not in the right place. I could feel those roots growing deeper and thicker, and so I chose what I know was the healthiest option for me, for my relationship with Jesus: I turned from the sin and didn't look back.
It didn't take long for my heart to heal once facebook-stalking wasn't an option. I did some major praying and pruning where love and honour are concerned, and bitterness really hasn't been an issue in my life since then; hallelujah!
I still didn't get facebook back.
(Okay, that's not entirely true. There was a time last year when I thought I would try it out again, and spent a handful of days on it before life went crazy and I forgot it was even a thing.)
I wrote a bit last week about fear; fear of failure, and of success. Well here it was again, although I didn't really recognize it as such until I verbalized it to my husband last week and he was quick to tell me that my words were steeped in fear.
Not being on facebook (and especially since I don't have a cell phone), I rely a lot on my husband to let me know when we've been invited out with friends, or if something is going on in our community that I should know about. The poor guy has a hard time keeping everything straight and remembering all the things, and I often feel out of the loop. The community we've found here uses facebook a lot more than the one we left to plan and talk about events, and that's okay; it's just different and hard for me.
It's also hard because I'm afraid that I'll get back on facebook and still feel left out. That people still won't think to invite me, that I still won't be a part of the good and hard conversations, even though my name appears in their friends list.
And then: "Do not let the enemy steal one bit of the victory God has for you. We must not allow intimidation or fear to imprison us in any area. The One who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)" [Beth Moore, Breaking Free]
So I'm back. I'm giving facebook some grace, hoping for freedom from the old beasts intimidation & fear, and praying I don't hold myself back from the good and the hard.
Are you on facebook? Maybe we should be friends.